WARNING TRIGGERS- I had this as part of another post but it has been pointed out to me that it deserves it’s own post as it is powerful reading.
Oh how the Medical Sysytem fails us. It was very difficult and very cathartic to write this. I hope that it helps someone out there.
I would love to hear your stories good and bad- you never know who your words might help.
All I can say is if you think that you might have Depression, please call one of the numbers at the end of this post- I don’t want anyone to have to go through this like I did.
A lot of really bad stuff has happened to me from a very young age, which has basically broken my brain.
It wasn’t too bad until I had an acute episode of pain which put me in the ER and then left me on pain killers and crazy hormones waiting for surgery which made me gain 2.5kg per month so on top of the pain etc I went from a size 8 to a size 16 nearly doubling my weight which on it’s own was devistating.
But I thought it was the right thing to do- I read all of the info they gave me and it said that this was “the treatment plan” for …I had no idea what was going on.
In the beginning of Chronic Illness we never do know what is going on- it is like you get this bomb dropped on you- you are not dying BUT you are not going to ever be the same and possible only get worse.
For the first couple of months everyone is there helping you, but for you the world has stopped, your life changed in a blink and you dont know how to feel about it. Everyone tells you that you will be OK soon and the Drs will fix it.
Then they start drifting away, they are too busy for your calls, they stop popping in and you start to feel like it is all your fault for not getting better. After a year you are left to fend for yourself even if you can’t- relationships start to break down as your partner goes on with their normal life and you are in this bubble of lonelyness.
No wonder we start to feel like a burden- we are not the person any of they chose to be with, we have changed and they have not.
After a year of being bedridden and in a wheelchair it was so bad that I became suicidal and told one of my remaining friends how I felt.
She did the right thing, raced me off to see my Local GP who had known me for over 10 years.
but and even when I was begging my GP to help me to not kill myself,
I was fobbed off
told to go home and call a helpline
not even told what was wrong with me
it felt like I had plague and he just wanted me out of his office so he didn’t catch it
I felt worse than ever, I called the helpline who sent someone out very quickly who read my goodbye letter that I had written, stayed for 5 minutes, told me I would hear from them and left.
Again, no mention of what was making me feel like this.
That was it, for 2 weeks!
2 weeks of crying, feeling more worthless, like I wasn’t even worth the time to stop me harming myself.
We’ll a few weeks later I did try to kill myself.
Luckily I didn’t because I apparently suck at that too.
Here is the breakdown:
I got a call after taking a bunch of pills, apparently I sounded off so they called an ambulance.
- so I was rushed to the ER
- admitted and stripped of my clothes
- shoved in a room alone
- (I had serious mobility issue at the time and couldn’t even get out of bed by myself so it was very scary)
- of course I was tripping from all of the drugs which didn’t help
- they came in and told me that what I has taken could have enlarged my heart but didn’t explain anything
- and took me for xrays every ½ hour,
- I wasn’t allowed contact with my family and they had no idea what was happening to me- I could hear them freaking out in the waiting area.
- The nurses were rude and made me want die all over again.
- I wasn’t allowed any of my normal pain killers for 24hrs even though I had not taken any of those and my records showed it. The Nurses basically berated me all night about how selfish I was and told me that I was addicted to pain meds and that there were better ways to deal with pain (but no advice on what they were, remember I was pretty new to this whole chronic pain/mental illness thing back then)
- and then
- a girl came to see me in the morning who was a trainee in her 2nd year of Med school who said I could go home but should probably see a psychiatrist.
Hmmmm I thought that was obvious and should be who was seeing me at the time but NOPE.
So I was still undiagnosed until 12 years ago
Finally after seeing lots of duds, I found myself a good psychiatrist who helped me to realize on the first visit! that it was my past ruining my future AND that the pain meds that I was on were not only, not strong enough BUT were making me suicidal…great.
She put me on antidepressants medication for the rest of my life, sure it has side effects but it is better than the alternative. Plus she changed my pain meds to a slow release formula of a much stronger medication, removed things like valium, buscopan and the worst one Endep from my regime, gave me some strong sleeping medication to combat my painsomnia and we waited for 30 days to see if it helped. And it did!
I ended up waiting 2 more years for my surgery and it was a successful failure. I no longer have a uterus, ovaries, cervix, 70% of my bladder and lots of bits and pieces missing. But they discovered that I had a nasty form of Endometriosis that is everywhere in my body affecting a large percentage of my organs.
I still get very depressed when life sucks but I understand why and have tools to deal with it.
I still have a pain score of 9/10 in Summer and 7/10 in Winter but I am used to it. I developed Chronic fatigue and some other nasties, quit my job, my abusive Husband and moved to the country with an old friend as my Carer who now is my Husband of 10 years..
I choose to survive my past, think of the future but live in the now.
I have been told that my story is sad, but it isn’t. I am now so much stronger than I ever thought I could be and I hope that my story helps someone who is just beginning their journey.
Opps just noticed I have tears on my cheeks so maybe a bit sad but still a story of resilience in the face of adversity.
My not a DR advice from experience is if you start to feel blue with no obvious reason- don’t wait. We now have some wonderful organisations that can help you.
In Australia call Beyond Blue– they have wonderful trained staff waiting to help and send you off to a compassionate Dr who can really help you.
Beyond Blue Helpline 1300 22 4636 or online (3pm-12am AEST): http://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support
Here is the Lovely comment that they made on my Instagram Post:
We’re glad you found a professional support team who have helped you on the road to recovery. If you ever need to talk, our Support Service is here for you –
Call : 1300 22 4636
or online (3pm-12am AEST): www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support
Lifeline “is a national charity providing all Australians experiencing a personal crisis with access to 24 hour crisis support and suicide prevention services”
Lifeline is another great Australian resource especially if you feel Suicidal and need help right now-their phones are staffed 24/7 by volunteers who want to help you.
Call 13 11 14
Also if you have recovered from Depression and want to volunteer they will always make you welcome.
And I call out to my buddies around the world to link to their recommended help lines in their countries in the comments and I will add them here.